Question 1

I feel like I've been shrinking myself for years. Where do I even start?

Accepted Answer

Start by noticing. For the next week, just pay attention to the moments when you make yourself smaller - when you apologize unnecessarily, when you don't speak up, when you skip lunch, when you downplay your needs. Don't try to change anything yet, just notice. Once you can see the pattern, you can start making different choices. Pick ONE small thing - your version of the lamp - and practice taking up that tiny bit of space.

Question 2

How do I find my "Smart Old Bags" - the people who will see me when others don't?

Accepted Answer

Look for the people on the margins, the ones who also don't quite fit the mold. In grad school, we found each other because we were all "other" in the same way. They might be in your workplace, in online communities, in transition groups, or here at Tools to Thrive Today. The key is showing up as yourself (even when it's uncomfortable) so your people can recognize you. You can't find your people while you're pretending to fit in with everyone else.

Question 3

What if I'm rebuilding confidence in my 40s, 50s, 60s, or beyond - is it too late?

Accepted Answer

I was in my 50s when I walked into grad school and started this work. I'm in my 70s now, building Tools to Thrive Today and still learning what it means to take up space unapologetically. It's never too late. Actually, there's something powerful about doing this work with life experience behind you - you know yourself better, you've survived hard things, you have less tolerance for BS. The rebuilding might look different than it would have at 25, but it's not less possible. If anything, you have more tools now than you did then. And the work doesn't stop - I'm still practicing, still choosing lamplight over fluorescents, still building what's next.

women over 50

Rebuilding Confidence After Someone Made You Feel Small